Dangerous Meditations

Chakotay woke hours later to the obnoxious sound of his computer alarm beeping steadily in his ear.

For a second his foggy brain refused to process the noise. He was still too drugged from sleeping for so long to comprehend anything quickly. When he did realize what had interrupted his blissful sleep, he cursed himself. On the one day, perhaps the only day, in his entire career as an officer aboard Voyager that he could actually sleep in, he forgot to tell the computer to cancel his alarm. After days of troubled sleep, followed by days without any sleep, this oversight was particularly galling.

Making his mouth form words was hard enough on a normal morning; today it was out of the question. Rather than verbally ordering the computer to shut off the noise, he reached up to the computer console tucked above his bed and whacked the general area of the alarm override.

The noise ceased abruptly. A beautiful, serene quiet settled instantly over his darkened quarters.

It was definitely quiet enough for him to hear the sudden thud from the other room.

Chakotay was instantly alert. Years of training banished the remaining fuzz from his brain and a cool calm descended over him. The phaser he kept hidden in a wall panel near his bed slid into his hand. In the same movement, he rose noiselessly and slipped to the bedroom door.

The living area was bathed in darkness. The distortion of warped stars faintly illuminated what appeared to be empty quarters. He couldn't distinguish any motion among the chairs and tables, certainly nothing that indicated an object heavy enough to make such a loud noise. For a brief moment he wondered if he had dreamed the entire thing.

Then he heard a groan.

Lights! he snapped.

The harsh glow of lights at full intensity spread like an ugly stain across his quarters. He whipped around the edge of the doorframe before his eyes had any chance of adjusting to the sudden illumination. He hoped that whoever was in his quarters was at the same disadvantage. He also hoped he was the only one armed with a weapon.

The phaser pointed threateningly before him and the wall kept protectively at his back, Chakotay squinted against the light as he quickly moved into the room. He scanned his quarters, and his eyes landed on the blanket spread across the long sofa beneath the observation windows. He never left a blanket thrown about so carelessly.

His eyes shifted to the floor, and he found what he was looking for.

Chakotay lowered the phaser in surprise. Kathryn?

She was lying full length on the floor next to his sofa, one edge of the blanket wrapped tightly around her feet, her hair tousled across her eyes. She squinted at him against the light and sported a bewildered expression, as if she couldn't quite remember where she was.

Chakotay ordered the computer to reduce the illumination as he squatted down before her. Now that his initial response to an intruder had abated, the pounding of his heart slowed and his muscles relaxed. The phaser dangled incongruously against his knee as he regarded her in equal puzzlement. What are you doing here?

Chakotay? she questioned groggily. Her eyes studied him, taking in his wrinkled sleeping clothes and bare feet. Are you all right? she asked, the words still slurred with sleep.

Fine, he answered. Fine. But... what...?

Her eyes, their focus vague until then, moved to study his quarters. She saw the blanket on the couch, and comprehension suddenly filled her face.

Oh. I must have fallen asleep, she explained slowly, still blinking her bleary eyes.

On the floor?

No, not on the floor, she admonished him, still groggy enough to sound cranky. I fell off the couch, she admitted as she struggled tiredly to sit up in the close quarters between the sofa and the table. Chakotay offered his hand and she took it, letting him ease her to a sitting position. She leaned back against the couch and vigorously rubbed her face, still only half awake. Kathryn pushed her hair back from her eyes and regarded him. I was dreaming... I think I was trying to turn off my alarm.

Chakotay couldn't resist a light chuckle at her expense. That was my alarm. Have you been here all night?

Kathryn sent him a dubious glance, this one traced with amusement. Of course not. At his look of continued confusion, she explained, I was working.... Next she looked around, searching. There's a data padd here somewhere.... She found it buried under the blanket at the very end of the sofa. It had deactivated itself.

Kathryn stared at the padd, the look in her eyes matching the blankness of the screen. I only planned to stay for a while, she explained slowly, just to make sure you slept.... What time is it?

Six hundred. My alarm just went off. Chakotay was so astounded that Kathryn would think to sit with him in his quarters, especially for something as simple as warding off nightmares, that he almost couldn't form the words. He was slow to comprehend the magnitude of her actions. The fact that it had occurred to her to stay at all made him feel... special. It was a nice, slow, gentle sensation that started to stir deep inside him, tickling portions of his mind that he had long since thought dead. Once it all sank in, he couldn't resist the smile that burst up from that well of good feelings.

Kathryn was unable to smile back. The stricken look on her face successfully captured his wandering attention. Six hundred? she repeated dumbly.

He watched as several revelations passed in quick succession through her mind; first, it was much later than she had expected it to be; second, how was she going to make it from his quarters back to hers at the very beginning of a new shift without being seen; third, could she possibly get away with wearing the uniform she already had on, thus foregoing the need for a sneaky trip to her quarters, and making it appear that nothing untoward had happened; fourth, no matter how much sneakiness and covering up was involved, the captain of the ship had just spent the night with the first officer, figuratively speaking, of course; and fifth, how was she ever going to live that down? All her fears of being involved in a situation that compromised ship wide protocol instantly asserted themselves.

And just as quickly, they vanished.

Chakotay's mind had leapt ahead before he truly had the chance to finish interpreting the expressions that continued to play across her face. He was about to offer her the use of his sonic shower and the chance to replicate a new uniform when her last expression finally sank in. She was smiling at him.

How did you sleep? she gently asked him.

The sudden change of subject threw him for a moment, until he looked closely at her and realized she had recalled the vision quest. Chakotay could see it in her eyes, now the color of the warm blue cast of the sky at sunset, soft and hazy like the breeze, and happy. The memory pleased her.

His own thoughts of protocol and fears and hiding slipped away. A smile curved his lips. I slept very well, he told her. And he had. There wasn't even a faint memory of a bad dream or buried fear of his world disappearing in sudden, brilliant destruction. He felt rested, peaceful. Happy.

No nightmares? she asked, halting his internal study.

He shook his head. No nightmares, he assured. He felt confident in his surroundings, in her presence, and the threat of the dreams now seemed ridiculous and remote. Chakotay drew a deep breath, inhaling the comforting aroma of his quarters, the familiar smell tinged with the slightest suggestion of.... His brows lowered in puzzlement. Did you drink coffee last night?

Kathryn's expression grew chagrined. I did. Just one cup. I used your replicator; I hope you don't mind.

No, he hurried to say. Not at all. He could have gone on to confess that he was pleased by the smell. It was a reminder of her presence, and that she had done something for him that was so monumentally unprecedented that he wondered if anybody really would believe that she'd stayed the night with him, even if she was seen leaving his quarters. But he felt shy about voicing something that, while profound, also seemed silly and unremarkable. He did sheepishly admit, I like the smell of coffee; it always makes me hungry.

Well, Kathryn said with a smile and a pat on his leg. Her fingers curled pleasantly against the background of the loose pants he'd slept in. Perhaps we should see what Neelix has on the menu this morning. Are you up for some breakfast?

He had to quickly reorient himself from watching her hand on his leg to her sudden suggestion. Breakfast? he parroted.

In the mess hall, she clarified.

Breakfast... with Kathryn... secure in his new knowledge garnered from his vision world and his animal guide and from experiencing something so intimate with Kathryn... the drifting smell of roses... flavored with the familiar, bitter smell of coffee... a cozy image even if they were surrounded by the fifty other members of alpha shift.

Chakotay smiled. Yes, I feel up to that. In fact, just then he felt up to anything.

She smiled back. Good, she answered, deciding it for both of them. Then I'll meet you there in half an hour.

I can do that.

If you need to change your mind... maybe go back to sleep...

There wasn't a chance of that. Chakotay wasn't going to miss out on this breakfast even if he had to sleep the rest of the day to make up for it. More than anything he wanted to spend some time with her. It didn't matter what they did. Staring at her across a table filled with Neelix's cuisine sounded like the perfect way to spend the first morning of the rest of his life. I'll be fine, he assured. He rose then, and helped her to her feet.

She groaned, and grinned. I'm stiff from sleeping on your couch! she complained with a laugh, and rubbed halfheartedly at her left shoulder.

It must be better than the floor, he joked.

I'm not so sure, she teased back.

They laughed together, and Kathryn headed towards the door of his quarters. Half an hour, she reminded him with a wave of her hand.

Chakotay didn't need a reminder. See you there.

Not if I see you first. The hiss of the door cut off any retort he might have given in answer to her jibe.

Chakotay sighed into the sudden quiet. It was good to be alone, though he still savored that lingering smell of coffee.

That smell would always make him think of Kathryn Janeway. It was a good association. Even now he felt himself relax into the new atmosphere her presence had added to his quarters. It was as if, simply by staying with him and doing something as innocent as drinking a cup of coffee in his personal space, she had made a permanent, indelible mark on him.

He liked the addition.

Chakotay smiled into the room's emptiness. As he moved towards his bedroom for a quick shower and change of clothes, excitement fluttered in his stomach. He hadn't been so excited about eating breakfast in a long time.

Chakotay held out the data padd Kathryn had left in his quarters. The typical din of early mess hall diners didn't drown out his voice. You forgot this, he said, grinning at the implications of his statement.

Distracted, Kathryn missed the implications entirely, but glanced up from the padd currently in her hand, and brushed yet another padd several inches across the table until it was in danger of crashing to the floor.

Chakotay caught it. Maybe I better hold on to these; they'll probably be safer if I do.

Kathryn took the two padds from him anyway, then drummed her fingers on the table in mock aggravation as she looked at the one he'd brought. Do you know I looked all over my quarters for this padd? I was sure I had taken it with me when I left this morning. She quickly glanced at the data as Chakotay sank into the chair across the table from her. A second sigh of aggravation escaped her lips a moment later.

What's wrong?

Kathryn handed him the padd without a word of explanation.

He hadn't taken the time to read the padd's contents earlier, but it was clear that she wanted him to read through it now. Eyebrows raised, Chakotay made a brief perusal of the information as he scrolled through the data. He recognized bits of theory and phrases concerning the new drive idea from B'Elanna and Joe Carey, but the information was so garbled with extraneous equations and proofs of warp drive in general that he couldn't understand any of it. This doesn't make any sense, he finally said.

I know. Kathryn recovered the padd and brandished it in the air. If I'd known that this was all I had managed to accomplish before I fell asleep yesterday, I wouldn't have wasted ten minutes tearing my place apart to look for it. With a self mocking smile, she laid it on top of a stack of padds, then pushed the stack to the side.

Chakotay noted her action and what it meant; this was not going to be a working breakfast. Chakotay wouldn't have minded if Kathryn spent the entire meal talking about Voyager and the crew, supply problems and hull integrity, but the thought of talking about other things was admittedly more inviting. By pushing aside the data padds, she had indicated that she was at least open to the same idea. It was an unusual thing for her to do, but given the events of the previous night, he wasn't wholly surprised by her action. Somehow, all the duties and responsibilities and work associated with the commanding officers of a starship suddenly didn't seem so important after the vision quest they had shared.

It's a good thing you stayed with me after all, Chakotay said in fond admonishment as he indicated the padd on top of the stack and its convoluted contents. He was well aware of the fact that Kathryn slept about as often as she ate, which wasn't very often. You must have needed sleep more than you thought.

As if on cue, Kathryn stifled a yawn. I did, and I admit that I didn't expect that. You're the one who hadn't slept in two days, she said.

It was a powerful vision quest, explained Chakotay. You shouldn't be surprised that you needed to rest afterwards.

Kathryn shifted in her chair, working herself into a more comfortable position on the unforgiving furniture. Starfleet may have found their choice in chairs acceptable for brief meals, but they were hardly fit for lounging in. I wasn't aware that vision quests came with degrees of power, she said as she settled herself. How did this one rate?

Chakotay concentrated on ranking the quest even as he enjoyed watching her struggle with the furniture. He instinctively knew that she was stiff from sleeping on his sofa. It was no wonder that she had trouble finding a comfortable position. This vision was definitely among the strongest, he imparted, still feeling shy, but wanting to talk. Meditating usually isn't so... emotional.

A smile ghosted across her face. No, I suppose it isn't.

I'm surprised Tuvok withstood it as well as he did. He seemed very weak when he pulled me out of my meditative state that morning I couldn't get out on my own.

Kathryn acknowledged his comment, but said, Let me tell you a secret; Tuvok handles emotions better than most people expect him to. After all, he's been dealing with Humans for decades. He's come to understand the reason for most emotions, even if he doesn't understand the emotion itself.

Chakotay grunted. Understanding emotions isn't easy. He let his voice trail off as thoughts of his nightmare suddenly filled his mind. At first he hadn't understood the reason behind the nightmare, but now that he could look backwards in an analytical fashion, he realized that fear had caused him to produce that nightmare. He'd been afraid to admit to himself the meaning of his vision quest, and since he refused to consent to comprehension, the nightmare had eventually made him consent. He had claimed that he didn't understand the quest. But the truth was that he didn't want to understand. Understanding meant accepting the message. And the message that his guide had been trying to explain to him was a scary proposition in itself... until the moment he was faced with that acceptance. Now he couldn't imagine what had created the fear in the first place.

What are you thinking?

Kathryn's question was a gentle interruption to his train of thought. He focused on her inquisitive expression and offered her a half smile. I was thinking that I'm as guilty of misunderstood emotions as most Vulcans.

She snorted, a very inelegant expression for the usually reserved captain. Don't flatter yourself, she said with her lips curled into a wry half smile of her own. This is a ship full of scientists and explorers - we're all guilty of emotional delusions.

Are you saying that it's something like a Starfleet personality requirement? he asked, regarding her, half flippant, half serious.

The slightly irreverent tone in his voice wasn't lost on her. But she was purposefully evasive and pensive when she shrugged and replied, Perhaps. Slowly, now fully thoughtful, she continued, I think it's very easy, even compelling, to misunderstand emotions. Especially for people like us.

Chakotay was unsure what she meant by her reference to people like us. Did she mean the crew of Voyager, or specifically the captain and the first officer? Misunderstanding is sometimes easier. Safer, he noted.

But not necessarily better.

Chakotay stared across the table at her, and their gazes locked for a brief moment. One look at the expression in her eyes and he knew exactly who she was talking about. No, he agreed in complete understanding. Not better. Definitely not better. He smiled.

Kathryn's answering smile was shy and a little uncertain, as if she didn't know yet if smiling was an appropriate response to him. After the vision quest, something as simple as a smile had suddenly taken on new meaning.

You don't smile enough, Chakotay commented, as if he was pointing out a great sadness to the universe. He'd always thought she had a nice smile, one that lit her face with pulses of emotion.

Her smile turned sly, and subtly flirtatious. From what I hear, neither do you.

Her comment caught him completely off guard. He was used to Kathryn's playful nature, but it had been a long time since either of them had indulged in a more personal flirtation. He felt himself skating on unfamiliar ground; just for a second he was too surprised to respond. Once he'd gathered his wits, he was further surprised by the words that formed his response. I must be saving my smiles for someone in particular. Then, deciding he might as well commit himself entirely, he smiled at her, a big, slow grin that was happy and shy, and undoubtedly affectionate.

It was her turn to be stunned into momentary silence. Her eyes widened, then she blinked uncontrollably for another second. For the first time since he'd met her, Chakotay witnessed a speechless Kathryn Janeway.

She recovered enough to at least attempt a riposte. Well, I would suggest that you share your smile more than you share your sofa.

His grin remained fixed in place, and he laughed. He was aware of the double meaning in her words, one that he was sure she hadn't intended. He could measure the sudden comprehension of that duality by the embarrassment that was just beginning to seep into her eyes. Chakotay saved her from having to apologize for what was only ill-chosen words. I suppose the sofa causes fewer sore muscles than the floor.

She covered the embarrassment and teasingly admonished him, Chakotay, I told you; that part was an accident. At least I don't fall asleep in staff meetings.

Enjoying their mild flirting, he said, And I think that you --

But before Chakotay could vocalize the retort that was on the tip of his tongue, Neelix suddenly appeared at their table. His arrival acted like a harsh dose of reality, dousing the charge of flirtation that had surrounded them.

Unaware that he was interrupting anything special, Neelix grinned. Commander! he said. The Talaxian set a plate heaped with steaming food and a mug of coffee in front of Chakotay and the captain, then closely regarded the first officer. Neelix seemed pleased by whatever he saw. He also completely misinterpreted it. My mother's recipes must have done the trick - you look much more rested than when I saw you yesterday. Neelix grinned even more disarmingly and patted Chakotay on the back. The crew will certainly be relieved to see you up and about again. He folded his hands over his coat front and quietly confessed, I have to admit, I'm relieved that you recovered so quickly. It's so hard to watch a friend in trouble when you don't know how to help.

Chakotay was able to nod in understanding. He couldn't begin to count the times he had wanted to help his various friends, Kathryn and B'Elanna in particular, yet hadn't known how. Still, he was amazed to hear the calmness of his voice, as if he had just been sharing a normal conversation with the captain rather than.... He hastily organized his thoughts into a suitably general response to Neelix's statement. I think that's a common worry, Neelix. I know I've been in that situation often enough myself. And I thank you for your concern, he said sincerely, adding, You did more for me than you think.

Neelix ducked his head and smiled, pleased with the compliment. It's good of you to say that, Chakotay. I was glad to help in any way I could. But now, I'll leave you to your breakfast.

Thank you, Neelix, Kathryn called after the departing Talaxian. She turned back to Chakotay. Scrutinizing him as minutely as Neelix had the moment before, she gave a nod of her head and casually commented, That was impressive.

Surprised, his fork hovering over his untouched plate of flat, blue bread and yellow breakfast meal, Chakotay asked, What do you mean? He wasn't sure if she was talking about what he'd just said, or their flirtation before Neelix's arrival.

You, she answered readily enough, though she used eating as a cover so she wouldn't have to meet his gaze. You were the one who needed help, but here you are, putting Neelix's fears to rest as if that's more important.

Chakotay considered her sudden insight. Her comment encouraged him to look closely at an aspect of his character that he hadn't examined before. I hadn't thought of that. Maybe it's easier for me to help others than it is to ask for help myself.

Such as with this vision quest? she hinted.

It occurred to him that her insight might not have been so sudden as he thought. The more she talked, the more this sounded like a setup. An affectionate, caring one, but a setup nonetheless. Are you trying to get me to confess that not saying anything to you for so long was a mistake?

Kathryn thought about that in her turn. No, she decided. Not a mistake. A misjudgment, perhaps. But that's not what I was leading to. She pushed her food around for a minute, then took a quick drink of her coffee before her thoughts were gathered enough for her to say, Chakotay, you're the closest thing we have to a counselor on board Voyager. What you did for Neelix just now is an excellent example of how you've taken on this added responsibility. I don't know what we would do without your help. But.... And here she paused. She met his eyes at last. The events of this week have made me start to think; What happens when you need help? Who counsels the counselor? she finished with a lilt to her voice and a lift of her brow.

Chakotay didn't quite understand what she was trying to say. Kathryn, he started, what...?

I'm trying to apologize - don't interrupt, she interrupted him, a catch in her voice indicating how hard it was for her to make this confession. I'm not blind, you know; I saw you in that meeting yesterday - you looked like you were on death's door, and I had no idea what was wrong. I can tease all I want, but I have to say that watching you faint scared me to death. I knew you were hurting, and I didn't know how to help.

Surprised and moved by her driving need to clear her conscience on this point, Chakotay reached out and covered her hand with his. It was an impulsive gesture on his part, one he would never have contemplated making even the day before. But now it seemed somehow appropriate, despite their public surroundings and the possibility of attracting the eyes of every crewman in the room. His gesture halted her stumbling words.

Kathryn, stop. Apology accepted. But it isn't necessary, and it wasn't your fault. He sighed, once more understanding her dilemma. It's hard to help someone when that someone won't share their problem. Isn't it?

She eyed him with a hint of disparagement, but she didn't withdraw her hand from his. You sound like you've had some experience with this sort of thing, she teased, unable to stop herself from employing her natural defense against uncomfortable, personal revelations.

Chakotay's lips lifted in an embarrassed half smile. We're both a little slow about sharing what's on our minds. I think it's hard for us to admit that we might need help.

She acknowledged his comment with a wrinkled brow. She gave his hand a squeeze before pulling back to run a finger along the edge of her coffee mug. I know I have that tendency to withdraw into my problems - you've pointed that out often enough. But I guess I never expected it from you. It's more like you to act rashly and precipitously - with the best interest of everybody at heart, of course - than to close yourself off from expressing your feelings and needs.

He recalled B'Elanna's rather uncomplimentary description of him several days earlier. If Kathryn believed what she was saying now, B'Elanna's comment wasn't so far off the mark, which in turn confirmed the message from his vision quest, adding even more weight and truth to his discoveries about himself. He hadn't realized how far he had traveled the path of self-destruction until that moment. It suddenly seemed as if he had a long way to go before he could accomplish all that his vision quest hinted that he was capable of. I'm indifferent? he lamented.

She looked at him in surprise. Is that how you think of yourself?

He shrugged. B'Elanna mentioned something about it, and the last few days and the vision quest have certainly made me wonder.

As she gazed at him, her face softened into a soothing look of affection. No, not indifferent, she emphasized. Self-protective, perhaps, but not to the point that you would ever stop caring about the rest of the crew.

I'm not that far gone yet? he asked to make sure.

She grinned in answer to his playful remark. No, I believe you're salvageable still, though I think it could take a lot of work, she amended with a grin and narrowed eyes. She grew serious again as she gently continued, Though I have noticed that you haven't said anything about the vision quest yet... do you want to talk about it?

Chakotay drew a breath and shrugged again. I haven't had much time to think about it --

I don't mean to push you. I don't want you to feel that you have to start making profound statements about life and the universe or --

Chakotay grunted a smile and thoughtfully shook his head. It's not that. It's just that there's so much to synthesize. I feel too overwhelmed to make any profound statements about anything right now, he said, his eyes expressing his apology.

But you said that you found some answers, Kathryn prodded.

I did, he assured her.

Then can you --

Kathryn's voice was effectively drowned out by the sudden arrival of a panting Naomi Wildman. The young girl skidded to a halt beside their table, her hair billowing around her shoulders, her hands clutched around some kind of unidentifiable stuffed toy. She loudly greeted, Chakotay! Neelix said you were sick! Why aren't you in Sickbay? Are you all right now? Here, I brought this for you! She thrust a stuffed toy towards Chakotay while she heaved to catch her breath.

Too surprised to react in any other way, Chakotay took the fluffy offering from Naomi before he could think twice. Instinctive annoyance at the further interruption snaked through his mind, but he pushed it aside. He was used to his time with Kathryn being peppered with interruptions, and it made no sense to get irritated at inconvenient hindrances to a personal conversation held in a public place. Still, he felt a sense of loss now that it was unlikely that he and Kathryn would be able to pick up the thread of their discussion any time soon.

But instead of wallowing in his misfortune, he turned Naomi's gift over in his hands, and failed to make any positive identification on the object. Uh...

Naomi explained, That's Purdy. Neelix said you couldn't sleep, and it was making you sick. Purdy helps me sleep when I have bad dreams. I thought he could help you sleep, too.

The girl was perfectly serious. Though Naomi's quick intelligence had earned her the ship wide reputation as captain-in-training, he imagined it had to be hard being a child on Voyager. She was constantly surrounded by busy adults doing important things, and it was undoubtedly never the right time for Naomi or her curiosity as far as anybody was concerned. Under such circumstances, it didn't surprise him at all that she had entrusted her nightly safety to a stuffed toy. A toy was at least something she could count on.

But in spite of, or perhaps because of, her advanced technological knowledge, she firmly believed in this simple stuffed toy's power to ward off dreams and sleepless nights. Chakotay looked at the animal... or alien... with renewed interest. One thing he couldn't do now was mistakenly belittle Naomi's gift. He was too recently familiar with the same nightmarish experiences to brush aside Naomi's solution too quickly, and he refused to harm her beliefs by expressing open skepticism.

You can keep him for awhile, if you want to, Naomi offered next.

You won't miss him? Chakotay asked. What if you need him?

Naomi was shaking her head. I'll be all right. I think you need him more.

Chakotay smiled and nodded, accepting her decision. Thank you, Naomi. I promise to take good care of him, he solemnly vowed.

Naomi grinned. You're welcome. I have to go now; it's time for my ship's specifications lesson with Ensign Waller. I'm glad you're feeling better, Commander. Bye, Captain!

Naomi grinned and waved. Then with another whirl of hair and unending energy, she turned away and was lost in the garbled crowd of the mess hall.

Chakotay set Naomi's gift on the table in order to get a closer look at it. It looked like a purple puffball with what could have been arms and a leg. But no head. He still didn't know what it was supposed to be.

Ship's specifications lesson? asked Kathryn, sounding as if she didn't know what that was, either. She sighed and wrapped her hands around her mug of lukewarm coffee. She's grown so much... I remember when I used to baby-sit Naomi, and now look at her; she's running around the corridors, learning about quantum mechanics and cell division and who knows what else.

He agreed. Next thing we know, she'll be a Bridge officer and have her sights set on your job.

She already has her sights on my job, Kathryn grumbled good-naturedly. Maybe I should just accept the inevitable and start training her now.

Chakotay snuck a grin at her. I'm giving her a Bridge tour next week. I have the feeling that any questions she'll have about the Bridge will pertain to what Captain Janeway does in any given situation.

I'm sure you'll enlighten her, she accused.

Next to explaining how to beat Tom Paris at practically anything, Captain Janeway is my favorite subject.

Chakotay watched Kathryn flush a rosy hue of red. Her cheeks flamed pink. Perhaps that had been the wrong thing to say, given their circumstances, but he had said the words before he thought about how she might react to them. Unlike their earlier teasing and flirting, this time there was no doubt as to his earnestness, in spite of his light tone. He couldn't tell if she was angry, shocked, or pleased at his audacity judging by the look on her face. But the color flaming in her cheeks reminded him, unaccountably, of roses. Which was either very romantic or very ridiculous.

That was very... forward of you, she said after a quiet, frozen moment while she looked at him out of her clear blue eyes and his heart beat in his throat. Her voice was calm and soft, betraying nothing of the emotions behind the spoken words.

Chakotay heaved a sigh and glanced down at the tabletop. If nothing else, vision quests have the tendency to make you honest. You can't hide anything from your own mind.

You did, she negated, making him meet her gaze.

I tried, he corrected, able to meet her gaze, though it scared him to do it. Being honest with himself was hard enough, but talking with her about what he had learned in the vision quest was harder yet. Feelings, both his and hers, had always been relegated to the realm of the unmentionable, the hidden, the taboo. To talk about it now.... It might be too soon, it might not be the right thing to do, she might retreat into the safety of protocol, he might retreat back into self-protection. Might, might, might. If, if, if. He suddenly found that he was sweating. Lying to myself didn't work out so well, he noted, determined to go on despite his natural fear.

Hiding isn't lying, she noted in return.

Whatever it is, it doesn't give you any answers, he replied softly.

With a suddenness that seemed frightening, Kathryn impatiently leaned forward across the table, her gaze intense, her need for answers, for understanding, overwhelming her. What did you learn, Chakotay? What did you see in the vision quest? What did you find?

Her barrage of questions reminded him of Naomi. He didn't voice the comparison. Chakotay's eyes never left hers; if he were going to be honest, then he might as well be completely honest. I found roses. And the future. What did you find?

Unfazed by such a cryptic response, Kathryn's reply was equally as mysterious. I found that when you find someone, you don't have to lose yourself in the process.

Her expression was open, naked, her emotions exposed for the barest moment, a moment heavy with meaning and promises and fear and the danger of the status quo. Just like his vision quest.

Kathryn abruptly rose from the table. She stood unmoving, her gaze locked on the observation windows fronting one entire side of the busy room, the mug of cold coffee cradled habitually in one palm. She glanced at him again only briefly, peripherally, but her fingers grazed the back of his hand just as she turned and left the mess hall.

Unabashed, Chakotay watched her go.

B'Elanna Torres cornered him on his way to Sickbay a few minutes later.

Chakotay, she called, and hurried to catch up. I just came from the mess hall. Are you all right? What happened yesterday? How did you get out of Sickbay so soon? And what the heck are you carrying?

It seemed that everybody had questions that day, Chakotay mused. He grinned to himself even as he unconsciously renewed his grip on the data padds Kathryn had left in the mess hall, and wiggled Naomi's stuffed Purdy in B'Elanna's direction.

What are you smiling at? she demanded to know, her concerned tones from the moment before changing into ones he was more familiar with.

Nothing, he said. You're just the third person today who's asked me a million questions all at once. I'm beginning to think that there's some kind of strange questioning disease taking over the ship.

Torres regarded him with one hand propped on her hip and her eyes narrowed to slits. You faint in the conference room yesterday, and now you're the one talking about weird diseases affecting everybody else? Nice try, Chakotay, but this is me, remember? I'm not easily distracted. Tell me what's going on.

Chakotay's smile lifted the thoughtful expression from his face. One thing he could always count on was B'Elanna's tenacious nature. She didn't give up on anything. It was one of the qualities that made her such an excellent chief engineer.

He hefted the stack of data padds clutched in his left hand. To answer one of your questions, these are data padds.

She glared at him. You still have a rotten sense of humor, Chakotay. I can see that they're data padds. Now stop stalling and tell me what happened. Are you okay? Did you and the captain have a fight back there this morning? B'Elanna pointed in the direction of the mess hall.

He sighed a second smile. He really had no right to tease her like this when she was just worried about him. Sufficiently chastened, Chakotay nodded his head. Yes, yes, I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about.

She instantly accused, That's what you said last week.

Well, this time I mean it. Now don't worry, Torres.

Who's worried? she asked, still peeved that he wasn't being more forthcoming. Chakotay.... she warned.

Chakotay sighed again and his lips twisted in disapproval as he glanced up and down the curving corridor. He preferred not to continue holding conversations about his personal life in the middle of active public places. On the other hand, he figured there wasn't much point in hiding anything any longer, not if he wanted to embrace the possibilities envisioned by his animal guide. He looked down at the padds in his hand, and thought of Kathryn.

I went on a vision quest, he told her as fellow crewmembers brushed past them in the crowded corridor. And I took the captain with me.

Arms crossed expectantly on her chest, B'Elanna waited for more. When he said nothing, she leaned forward, inviting him to tell her the rest. That's it? she asked, incredulous. A vision quest fixed all your problems?

Chakotay considered that question before he attempted an answer. He hedged, Not exactly. It might have given me as many problems as it fixed.

That doesn't make any sense, she said. She shook her head and threw her hands out in frustration. But then, vision quests never do. And neither do you.

He shook his head. I don't mean to be so mysterious. It's just hard to explain. But I owe you an apology.

That surprised her. Startled, she took a step back. An apology? For what?

Keeping his voice low so that passing crewmembers weren't likely to hear, Chakotay quietly explained, A few days ago you made the comment that I'm... withdrawn is a nice way to say it, numb is just as accurate... and I took that to mean that I don't show many feelings anymore, that I don't get involved. And I think you're right. I have the impression that I've missed out on some important times because I've been too busy being... introverted. I'm sorry.

B'Elanna was clearly flabbergasted. But, Chakotay, I was only joking when I said that --

Were you?

She paused, considering. No, I wasn't, she admitted at last. But I didn't mean it as a criticism, either. Then she sighed, suddenly angry, her mouth a tight, thin line now as she glared at him. This is why I hate talking about feelings and emotions. Everything gets so turned around and complicated. It's not supposed to be like that. You are how you are. You feel how you feel. That's it. It's not that hard!

Chakotay's eyes widened. He felt his stomach twist again in what was becoming a familiar sensation denoting sudden comprehension on his part.

What? B'Elanna asked, sounding as if she expected him to faint again at any minute. Did I say something?

Chakotay grinned in relief. Yes. You just summed up my entire vision quest. And you made it sound so simple!

Still slightly lost, B'Elanna shrugged one shoulder and acted nonchalant. Oh. Well. Your welcome. I'm glad I could help. Then, all casualness gone, she demanded, Now will you please tell me what the hell you're talking about! Fire snapped in her eyes.

Chakotay laughed fondly. All right, all right! He looked around the busy corridor, then returned his eyes to B'Elanna. Are you free? This could be a long story.

An hour later, the mess hall was empty except for Torres and Chakotay. Even Neelix had disappeared on some mission of his own to another part of the ship. They were so wrapped up in their conversation that they were barely aware of his absence.

So what you're saying, B'Elanna drawled, trying to fully understand all that he had told her, is that because you either couldn't figure out this message, or refused to find the message in your vision quest, the quest itself tried to... what? Kill you? Drive you insane?

I don't know. Insanity eventually, if I hadn't managed to get some sleep.

Nice, she commented sarcastically and shook her head so that her hair sliced across her neck. This only reminds me why I don't deal with vision quests and animal guides. It's dangerous.

It's not usually dangerous, he said in defense of the ancient custom. My inability to interpret the message made it dangerous.

That's just trivia, and you know it, she said, unconvinced.

All I can say is that nothing like this has ever happened before. The vision quest has always been a perfectly safe way to work through problems... until this time. Either the message was a bit obscure, or I was being incredibly dense.

So what was the message?

Chakotay sighed. One minute the message seems so big that I can't hope to explain it all. Then, I think it's as simple as breathing. He paused, remembering the vision world, its beauty, its wonder, and its inherent glory and pain. The line between happiness and despair is not as well-defined as I thought, he murmured almost to himself.

She shook her head again. I don't get it. If you thought this quest was so dangerous - even you admit that - why did you take the captain with you? What does she have to do with it?

He understood that, at least. The captain was the essential piece that was missing, like the last link in a puzzle, and when she was there, everything just fell into place: the vision quest, my dreams, why I couldn't sleep, why my guide gave me the quest in the first place. But once I realized that I had to take the captain with me into a vision quest, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to get us back out. It was either take her with me, or die trying to keep her safe.

Not very promising choices, B'Elanna noted.

No, he agreed wholeheartedly. She still gave me an earful about calculated risks, her safety versus my sanity --

I bet! B'Elanna grinned over the rim of her juice glass.

In the end, I didn't really have a choice. And after that, everything that seemed important... didn't matter anymore. His voice trailed off. Chakotay thought about what he'd just said. It wasn't entirely true; he still felt that the safety of the ship and the well-being of the crew were of significant importance, and the way he and Kathryn continued to command were paramount to maintaining those goals. But their own personal lives - in effect, the other side of command - was another story.

Such as what? B'Elanna questioned. When he didn't reply, but continued to stare at the floor in a pensive silence, she grunted in irritation. Chakotay, you're not explaining this very well. Stop thinking, and start talking, she commanded. What was the lesson you were supposed to learn in this vision quest?

He looked at her, and found it easy to meet her gaze. That it doesn't do any good to pretend that my feelings don't exist, that denying part of who I am causes more problems than it solves, that... that... He stumbled, wanting to voice several things at once, and wondering at the wisdom of voicing any of them. That I shouldn't be afraid....

When he stopped again, B'Elanna prompted, Afraid of what?

Chakotay was looking out the window, lost in thought, so he missed the expression on B'Elanna's face when he said in an almost offhand way, Afraid to show my feelings. Afraid to love the captain.

Blood of Kahless! B'Elanna exploded in astonishment and nearly dropped her juice glass. Deep purple liquid sloshed onto her uniform anyway. She was too amazed to notice. Tom was right, she blurted.

Chakotay grabbed a towel from a nearby table and handed it to her. Right about what?

About you. She took the rag and wiped at the stain on her uniform leg. She was still so shocked that she did more to spread the stain than to deter it. Tom said that anybody who looked as happy and sappy as you did after meditating had to be involved in a romantic relationship somehow. I told him he was being an idiot and to mind his own business.

Tom's observant, that's for sure, Chakotay said wryly. He secretly thought it was a pity they couldn't harness Tom's powers of perception and put them to good use. Tom probably knew enough secrets to power the warp core for at least a week.

B'Elanna suddenly stopped wiping at her uniform. Her eyes snapped open wide in comprehension. If the captain went on this vision quest with you, then I assume she...

... knows everything I know, he softly finished for her.

Well, that explains the two of you in the mess hall this morning, she murmured. Then she locked her eyes on his face. And what about you...? she queried.

Prompted so directly, the feelings from the vision quest washed over him again in quiet waves of joy. Peace settled into his bones as if it had always been a part of him, as if he hadn't spent the last several years trying to suppress his feelings for Kathryn, and then his feelings for anyone. The freedom that came with that acceptance was marvelous. He suddenly felt light and free. In another minute he might float away.

B'Elanna brought him back to reality. The expression in his eyes answered her previous question. So, what are you going to do now? she asked.

Chakotay paused. Until that moment, his reaction to the vision quest and his guide's message had been all sensation and memory and excitement. He hadn't taken the time to think about any future courses of action. He was at a loss as to what to reply.

I ask her out? he guessed hesitantly.

B'Elanna regarded him with a grin, amused at his trepidation. Fighting the Cardassians and even the Borg was nothing compared to the prospect of trying to date the captain. Well, that's a start.

B'Elanna was right; it was a start. And as first dates go, it wasn't bad. Of course, that also depends on how you look at it.

END PART IV

Part 3 || Contents || Part 5