Kathryn wandered slowly down the corridor, deep in thought. Her talk with Harry earlier that day had made her stop to think about a great many things. She found herself concentrating mostly on relationships, primarily the ones she enjoyed: relationships between herself and the crew as a whole, as well as individual members of that crew - the senior staff, Kes, Chakotay, Tom Paris, the doctor, Tuvok, Cat, Samantha Wildman... there were dozens of them. They were all different, although she was a common factor in each relationship. She hadn't realized how many ties she was forming in the Delta Quadrant until she stopped to think about it. All this time she'd had the erroneous impression that she was holding herself back, keeping a bit aloof of the crew so she could maintain the essential distance that commanding a starship required. She'd been fooling only herself. She was glad that Harry had helped her to understand that.

Now that she realized that she was perfectly capable of being a captain and having relationships with her crew, many of them on a personal level, she had inevitably turned her thoughts to another related topic. More and more often, she found herself wanting to have a child. She felt foolish denying the draw that she harbored towards Cat, and Lieutenant Bartlow's pregnancy positively fascinated her. She wouldn't mind experiencing the love of a child full time, not just in bits and pieces or when time was available the way she did with Cat. She knew that as captain, these desires were selfish, but she refused to ignore them any longer.

Of course, having a baby would create a far bigger upheaval to the ship than the arrival of Cat Wildman. Though the product was the same, a pregnant ensign was different than a pregnant captain. She knew she could count on Chakotay and Tuvok if it ever came to temporarily handing over command of the ship, but she didn't want to have to do that. She liked being in control. Yet she realized that she would not even have control of her body let alone the ship if she ever decided to carry a baby to full term. At the same time, she saw the way the entire crew grouped around Cat the minute she entered a room, how they all wanted to be part of the little girl's life. As Humans, they all needed something to love and to love them in return, and a baby was pretty much unconditional affection. Having children certainly had its advantages.

It was all so confusing. She felt as upside down as she had when she first contemplated entering a relationship with Chakotay. She had argued with herself for weeks, going back and forth, weighing the pros and cons, losing sleep, and giving herself headaches. She'd been an awful grouch. She didn't want to put anybody, most notably herself, through that kind of agony again, but she couldn't lightly dismiss this, either....

Just shut up and go to Sickbay, she ordered herself, tired of the arguing already. At least with this particular debate, she could get outside help without completely revealing her true motives. She more than anybody else understood what the strains of being in command could do to a body - it was possible, though unlikely, she admitted, that she could not even have a child at this point. That would make her decision much easier.

As fate would have it, the minute the doors to Sickbay slid aside, her gaze landed right on the rounded form of Mariposa Bartlow. The lieutenant was struggling to sit up after an exam, and Kes was giving her a hand.

I can't believe how my balance is affected already! the lieutenant exclaimed. I'm just barely showing and I have trouble sitting up. What's it going to be like in a few weeks when I get really big?

The doctor stood behind her, his genial smile in place. I predict that you will never become terribly 'big' as you put it; the females of your species do not tend to carry their babies as far forward as Humans. You're quite advanced enough in your pregnancy to be loosing your balance, as well as experiencing moments of discomfort. It's only natural. If you have any problems with these symptoms, feel free to contact me or Kes and we'll take care of you in a jiffy.

Bartlow glanced at him, her deep auburn hair brushing her shoulders. Jiffy? she questioned.

Yes. The doctor tilted his head to the side. I've been brushing up on the current slang phrases being utilized by the crew. I heard this particular word just yesterday on Briefing With Neelix. But this is the first opportunity I've had to use it.

Well, congratulations, Doctor, she replied in amusement. I'll keep my ears open for any more slang and pass it your way the next time I come in.

I would appreciate that! beamed the doctor. Now, please see Kes about setting up your next appointment. He turned then. Ah, Captain. You're right on time. As you can see, I've just finished with the lieutenant. What can I do for you today?

Janeway waved a hand in his direction, but her attention was trained on Bartlow. Her idiotic grin was in place, just as it always was when she spent time with Cat. There's no hurry, Doctor. Please, take your time.

Oh! Bartlow suddenly exclaimed, and her hand went to her stomach as she grinned widely. It kicked. I felt it kick, good and hard!

Of course, the doctor intoned, his geniality replaced now with irritation at the captain's apparent brush-off. That's one of those natural symptoms I was talking about earlier. It happens to every expectant mother. Didn't you know that? implied his tone.

But Bartlow was too excited to be put off by the doctor's manner. Come here! she commanded and grabbed his hand. Maybe it'll do it again. Come here, Captain, give me your hand. Kes.... She placed her hand amidst the others touching her belly, and the four of them waited, breathless, expectation lighting their faces.

Just as the waiting period moved into the realm of wasting time and the doctor's features began to sour, the baby kicked again.

My goodness! the doctor yelled, snatching his hand away. He stared at his hand, then quickly composed himself. Well, that was certainly... stimulating. I had no idea... I mean, I never expected....

Kes interrupted. I think what the doctor is trying to say is the baby seems so much more real when we can feel it kicking than when it's just an image on the computer monitor.

Yes, that's it! the doctor agreed. He turned to Bartlow, his expression contrite and excited at the same time. Thank you, Lieutenant.

She nodded and grinned as he moved away, still staring at his hand, then looked at the captain. Janeway's hand continued to touch her stomach, and the baby moved once more, a tiny ripple that passed along the muscles of the abdomen.

The captain breathed in wonderment. That's amazing! she whispered.

Isn't it? giggled Lieutenant Bartlow. When I was thinking of having a baby, I had no idea it would be this intimate or this interesting. Reading the textbooks just didn't prepare me for the real thing.

Thoughtful again, Kathryn pulled her hand away. Are you happy with your decision, Marii? Did you do the right thing?

Bartlow nodded. I know I did. And the doctor says I'm fine and so is the baby. He keeps such a close eye on me it's a wonder I get any work done at all!

That's good - I wouldn't want anything to happen at this point.

Bartlow straightened her uniform jacket over her growing belly, then patted her stomach again. I'll tell you, though, Captain, I don't think I would even have considered it if it hadn't been for Samantha Wildman.

Janeway had been about to turn away and head for the doctor's office, but the statement piqued her curiosity. Oh? Why's that?

I was more concerned about raising this baby than having it. But Samantha told me that's the easy part. I guess there's some Katarian legend about it taking a whole colony to raise a kid... something like that anyway... Well, she told me the story, then explained how everybody on the ship helps to take care of Cat.... Oh, I heard about your tour in Engineering, by the way. Wish I'd been there! I would love to have heard Lieutenant Torres growling to a two year old!

It was an amusing sight, I'll give you that. Janeway laughed. Two growling girls, surrounded by a bunch of engineers. But I agree with Samantha; our child care system seems to be working remarkably well, though I never made the connection to that legend as Samantha did. I don't see why we can't implement the same for your baby.

And any other baby that comes along, Bartlow added, a mischievous expression crossing her face. She patted Janeway's arm and with a grin said, See you around the ship, Captain.

How did she know? Janeway wondered in surprise as she watched the lieutenant leave Sickbay. The doors closed behind the figure, leaving her standing in the middle of the room, feeling foolish. She blinked rapidly several times to clear her thoughts, scratched her chin, then headed for the office, her mind playing with versions of the story the ensign had mentioned. Even Chakotay had a version of that legend that he liked to tell. She wondered why she hadn't thought of it before.

Janeway found the doctor sitting behind his desk, his attention riveted to his computer. Doctor, she said in way of greeting. I thank you for seeing me so quickly.

He ignored her. She let it go, deciding he was simply paying her back for ignoring him earlier. Politics in space. Though he didn't glance up at her, he did speak. Captain, I thought you might like to know that Lieutenant Bartlow's pregnancy is right on schedule and coming along just fine, despite the rather rocky beginning.

Janeway took the seat across from his desk. I hadn't realized it was such a risk.

He gave a twist of his lips. To be perfectly honest, I had my doubts as to the success of the initial insemination. If she had put off her decision for another few months, I would have been forced to deny her request, and her chances of conceiving naturally were already nonexistent. Her Rilerian genes certainly played havoc with her reproductive organs, he stated wryly.

How was she supposed to respond to that? Doctor, I'm certain that your superior medical skills were a great help in the lieutenant's case.

Naturally. Now, what did you need from me today?

She settled herself more securely in the chair, pushing into its padded back, and gripped the armrests. When she realized she must look like a cadet on her first launch, she forced a more relaxed attitude and managed to let go of the armrests. Actually, my reasons for visiting are very similar to Lieutenant Bartlow's -

The doctor was shocked. Are you having troubles with your reproductive organs too?

Janeway gaped at him. No! Doctor, no, that's... that's not why I'm here.

Well, that's a relief. He rocked back in his chair. I don't think I could go through that again; the agony of waiting to see if my brilliance would be enough to triumph once more, or if nature would cruelly snatch the victory from my grasp.

The captain had to blink again. Doctor, have you been watching more of Neelix's broadcasts?

Oh yes! Does it show? Besides the slang, I'm working on my dramatic delivery. Do you think I'm improving?

Without a doubt.

Good! The doctor smiled broadly. Neelix assured me the crew would appreciate a bit of medical drama. But enough of that... you haven't informed me of the reason for your visit. You don't appear to be sick.

No, I'm fine. I'm searching for... some advice.

Advice? Hmmm. I hope it's of a medical nature. I haven't yet completed the Starfleet computer course on coping with emotional trauma. Human emotions are fascinating, but, as Mr. Tuvok says, also very illogical. Take Mr. Neelix, for example....

Becoming completely frustrated, Janeway didn't even bother to remind the doctor that Neelix was hardly Human. Doctor, she interrupted, I want a physical examination.

The doctor was clearly confused by this announcement. You do? She nodded. Really? She nodded again. But this is so unprecedented. Usually I have to drag the crewmembers into Sickbay for their annual physicals, and you are no exception. He played with his computer as he spoke.

I'm aware that my past attitude towards your required exams are far from exemplary....

He stared at his computer. And this is even more amazing: your regular exam was only seven months ago. It's not even time for your physical yet, Captain. He peered at her closely. Are you sure you're feeling all right?

Doctor. Janeway leaned forward in her chair. She worked the fingers of her right hand into a fist and played her fingernails across her palm. I need a physical, and your professional opinion, for a reason.

When she didn't go on, he prompted, Which is?

I want to know if I'm physically capable of having a baby, she blurted.

He slumped into his chair like all the holographic wind had been knocked out of him. Well, why didn't you just say so? The doctor seemed unaware of the struggle she was going through just to voice her request. He briskly stood and gestured for her to follow. Come with me.

He instructed her to lie down on a diagnostic bed. As he prepared the tricorder and panels, Kes looked around from an experiment of her own.

Captain! she exclaimed, immediately walking over to their corner of Sickbay when she saw Janeway stretched out on the table. Is something wrong? Did something happen?

No, the doctor informed nonchalantly. The captain simply wants to have a baby.

That's not what I said! Janeway argued instantly. Then under her breath she muttered, It should be easier than this.

But that's wonderful! Kes gushed, turning her biggest grin on the reposing captain. You will make a wonderful mother. I've always thought so.

Janeway half sat up, but the doctor pushed her back down on the bed. Kes, there's more to it than that. She grunted at the doctor's ministrations.

He ignored her displeasure. Lie still, Captain, or the instruments won't take clear readings.

Janeway fumed, but allowed the doctor to complete his initial scans.

Ah, he said.

He didn't elaborate. What? she asked.

He moved the tricorder slowly over her abdomen, then back again, then made a wide circle of her entire torso. He snapped the instrument shut and smiled. You have a lovely tilt to your uterus. Would you like to see it? He offered the tricorder.

Janeway briefly rubbed her forehead. She felt a headache coming on. No, thank you, I'll just take your word for it.

As you wish. His wrinkled brow indicated he didn't understand her reluctance. You may sit up now.

She took Kes' offered hand and let the Ocampan help her sit up. A flick of her hand brushed her ponytail back over her shoulder. That's it?

That's it. Unless you want me to administer a plethora of unnecessary tests.... No? Well, then I'm finished.

Janeway waited as he stared at her. And? she finally had to ask.

Oh. You're perfectly healthy, Captain. It's my opinion that you can have as many children as you want for at least another decade. After that, you might need my superior medical intellect, but I'm sure I can come up with a suitable miracle if you were ever to need one. So go to it - reproduce to your heart's content. He paused, and a puzzled expression flitted across his face. An odd expression. Very... emotional.

Janeway had to suppress a sudden desire to wring his holographically emotional neck.

Chapter 4 || Contents || Chapter 6